


the soft animal of your body

by nimbostratus



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Bajoran Culture, Episode: s03e10 Fascination, F/F, Femslash February, Femslash February 2021, Festivals, Getting Together, Initial Bareil Antos/Kira Nerys, Kira-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimbostratus/pseuds/nimbostratus
Summary: It’s the third Annual Gratitude Festival on Deep Space Nine and Kira realises she needs to leave more than her troubles behind this year.(AU of Fascination where Bareil’s complaint about Kira and Dax spending too much time together prompts a realisation)
Relationships: Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys
Comments: 12
Kudos: 35
Collections: Femslash February





	the soft animal of your body

“I have to set up the Renewal scrolls along the Promenade.”

Sensing Bareil’s disappointment - after all, he’s only just arrived and it has been over a month since they last saw each other - Kira tries to find a way to soften it. “It won’t take long. Jadzia’s promised to help.”

“Of course… Jadzia.” Bareil sounds almost resigned. “You know, I've never understood how the two of you could be such good friends. She's... so unpredictable and you're so…”

“Predictable?” Kira smiles.

“I didn’t mean it like that.“ He pauses. “It’s just that she gets to spend so much more time with you than I do.”

Which is true, of course. But Kira can’t help but feel a twitch of annoyance that he’d even mention it - of course she sees Jadzia more than him, they live on the same station and they work together everyday. She’s the other senior female officer on the station, so it’s only natural they’d become close after the past three years. And they are close.

“Jadzia and I have done this for the past two years. It’s becoming kind of a tradition.”

“I was hoping we could start some traditions of our own…” He leans down to kiss her.

“And we will.” Kira breaks it off. “Later tonight.”

She feels a sharp flash of guilt as she pulls away.

Kira stops in the corridor for a short moment to consider whether she really is being unreasonable. She could find someone else to lay the Renewal scrolls - Dax would understand. But Kira isn’t one to break her promises and only this morning Dax had mentioned how much she was looking forward to their annual tradition. She shakes her head clear and carries on.

***

Once she meets Dax on the promenade any residual irritation vanishes. Dax is chatting to the two of the off-duty Dabo girls who are getting a bite to eat before the Promenade, and by extension Quark’s, fill up for the afternoon’s festivities. She catches her attention and Dax flashes her a blue eyed smile which smooths Kira’s frown right off.

“Major!” She exclaims, extracting herself from her conversation and greeting Kira with a brief squeeze.

She always sounds so incredibly pleased to see Kira, which she had found a little annoying at first. Kira has warmed to Jadzia’s relentless positivity over time, now she knows how genuine it is.

It had made Kira feel like a black cloud in comparison in those early days, stomping round the station, feeling like she was constantly bringing everyone down by reminding them of the hell of the occupation and tainting their idealistic Starfleet optimism with her Bajoran seriousness. They’ve all tempered out a little since then, thank the Prophets.

Dax links her arm with Kira’s and begins downloading the latest gossip she’s picked up from Quark’s. Kira only half listens, she really doesn’t care, but she lets the words wash over her.

Instead, she watches the Trill as she speaks and feels an unexpected tide of fondness rise up in her. There’s something about being around Dax that Kira has come to find inherently soothing. It’s not just Dax’s calm demeanour, which Kira admires but sometimes finds irritating when she’s having a particularly shitty day and wants to have a row with someone to blow off some steam and Jadzia just..doesn’t rise to the bait. She has an inner serenity about her, which presumably comes from Dax’s six lives rather than Jadzia the eager initiate. Jadzia seems to bring the mischievous and curious side of Dax, always ready with a joke or lighthearted quip ready to cheer Kira up.

Although Kira hasn’t quite figured out the complexities of the Trill/symbiont personality quite yet she feels like she’s getting there. She likes that, despite her surface level serenity, Dax still has the Curzon-esque understanding of the need to work off their frustrations every now and then, although Jadzia and Kira have restricted themselves to aggressively competitive Springball matches rather than settling Klingon grudges.

Jadzia doesn’t seem to be running out of gossip and they’ve got a few more scrolls to finish painting before they scatter them across the promenade, so they settle into a booth on the upper level of Quark’s with an icy glass of Romulan Ale each to get them through. Keiko’s had her class doing the rest so they’ve got two full baskets already and only this last batch to go.

***

“I think my calligraphy’s getting better.” Dax says, pleased with herself. Kira’s given her the children’s classics that are a little easier to trace:

_of the old gold song_  
_of the almost finished year_

Kira leans over to peer at the scroll Dax has been working on for the past fifteen minutes. It’s definitely… better than last year, she supposes… if she's being generous. It’s pretty in an… abstract sense and borderline… readable. “It looks great.” She smiles in what she hopes is an encouraging tone.

Dax frowns at her, scrunching her nose up. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not!” Kira can’t help but laugh, which somewhat undermines what she’s saying. Which, in fairness, is a lie.

“And now you’re laughing at me! On Gratitude day! That’s not very grateful of you.”

“I’m very grateful, I can assure you. I’m laughing at your face!”

“Oh, because that’s better?”

“When you scrunch your nose up like that it’s almost - you look Bajoran!”

“Well, I’ve always found the Bajoran nose extremely attractive.” Jadzia drawls, leaning towards Kira.

Kira blushes all the way down, just like she always does when Jadzia flirts with her. Antos doesn’t have quite the same effect on her, he has a more Bajoran style of romantic advances, so it’s just not something Kira’s used to, that’s all. She gets all hot in the neck and her heart beats so hard she sometimes wonders if Jadzia can hear it. She probably can, and that’s why she continues to do it, finding Kira’s reaction amusing. It's so frustrating, because Jadzia flirts with everyone - well, most people - and never even flushes.

Although Kira has noticed over the past few months that Jadzia’s toned down her casual flirtiness with the other senior officers less now they’ve settled into friendship, she still does it with Kira. She must enjoy having someone around that she can still have that effect on.

Flustered, Kira takes a long sip of her Romulan Ale to collect herself.

Jadzia moves on. “Anyway how do I write Nerys all fancy? I’m going to put you on my scroll and burn my troubles away.”

Kira rolls her eyes, still flushed, and circles the next lines for Dax to trace:

_the wild lopa, high in the clean blue air,_  
_are heading home again._

There’s only one scroll left, which Kira takes for herself, and picks one of her favourite verses. It’s a couple of lines longer than the rest but they’re in no rush. There’s always someone who doesn’t know what to write and picks up a scroll with as much text as possible so they only have to squeeze in a few words of their own.

And she likes it, sitting here with Dax. Sometimes those moments are her favourite part of the day. When her concentration starts to flag at the end of a long day, she uses the promise of a post-shift glass of bloodwine with Dax to get her through the last hour. Or on a groggy morning, she drags herself out of bed knowing she can sit silently with Jadzia at their usual table in the replimat until the caffeine in their Raktajinos kicks in and they can muster up enough awakeness to talk.

So if she adds a few artistic flourishes to drag out the time and sit there a little longer, who cares.

Jadzia is watching her, hand propping up her chin as she admires Kira’s brush strokes. There’s something in her blue eyes that Kira can’t quite read. They’re a little darker, watching the curl of her fingers round the carved brush and the smooth, precise strokes of her calligraphy.

“Last one.” says Kira, almost reluctantly, as she ties off the scroll and balances it on top of the stack of the nearest basket.

***

With a final basket left to place they run into Vedek Solis on the promenade, who’s already wearing his ceremonial roles.

“ _Peldor Joi_ Major Kira, Lieutenant Dax. I see the renewal scrolls are nearly finished. My child, is Vedek Bareil with you? I was hoping to speak with him while he’s on the station.”

Bareil! Strange, how she almost forgot. She hadn’t missed him at all the past hour she’d been with Jadzia, had hardly even thought of him. After they’d been apart for so long.

She thinks of the scripture she’s been tracing out on scrolls all afternoon, and her favourite:

_Spring opens like a blade there_  
_The bare blue trees and bleached wooden sky_  
_carve into me with knives of light._

The Gratitude Festival is one of her favourites. The idea that you can declare all your troubles and burn them away is mostly symbolic and requires a little more work to come to fruition. More dedicated Bajorans spend the week leading up to the festival resolving outstanding debts, settling any disagreements, cleaning out the house so they have nothing holding them back.

Kira’s father had always emphasised the more naturalistic side to the rituals and had put her and her brothers to work pulling weeds or pruning back trees so new growth could come through. He’d always say that she needed to cut the hard parts out, even if it hurt, in order to go into the spring with an open heart.

She’d known exactly what she needed to get rid of in those days. It was the occupation that needed to be carved out, Bajor that needed to be to be weeded, nurtured, so it could grow back strong. She didn’t miss the fighting, but she missed the clarity. That feeling she had just before a raid, lying flush to the ground, hardly any sound but her own breathing and that of the others. That sharp singular focus that clicked into place, like nothing else on the planet mattered.

When she was truly happy - no, not _happy_. She was rarely happy in those days. But she was _sure_. Sure of herself, and what she was doing. Things were a little messier now. She yearned for that certainty still but knew it was a luxury she no longer possessed.

Some years removed from the liberation of Bajor, she knew the Prophets expected her to use that distance and time to wrestle with all those things she’d been so sure of in the past. She’d told Odo once that she still has nightmares about the raids on the Haru outposts. There’s so much blood on her hands. True, it’s Cardassian blood. Collaborator blood too. Still blood.

She’s getting there, slowly. She still strives for that sureness in meditation and sometimes achieves it. The rest of the time she can feel it brush the edges of her consciousness, just outside of her grasp.

She doesn’t expect to be forgiven for her past sins, but she wants to accept them and to know she’s on the path the prophets have laid out for her. Her work helps - she knows she’s in the right place, on Deep Space Nine. With the Emissary. Sometimes, like today, she manages to carry that serenity with her for a long while. That feeling she’s had all afternoon, content, like this was exactly where she’s supposed to be, right here, with Jadzia. Oh. _Oh._

She's drifted off into thought, but the cool touch of Jadzia’s hand on her lower back brings her back to reality.

Kira makes a brief, hurried excuse and leaves Jadzia and Vedek Solis on the promenade, looking a little puzzled.

“See you tonight!” Jadzia calls after her.

***

The chime of the door stirs her from her meditation. It’s Dax, a look of concern on her face.

“Nerys, I'm sorry to interrupt. I just ran into Vedek Bareil on his way to the transporter port. He told me the two of you have broken things off. I wanted to make sure you were alright”.

The faint scent of recently extinguished candles gives Kira away and Dax knows she’s interrupted her in prayer.

“I’m fine, thank you Dax.”

“Nerys, really - do you want to talk about it? Because I’m here if you do, I - “ she cuts off, conscious she might be pushing too far. Kira’s a private person, and as much as they’ve grown close over the past two years, she doesn’t want to damage the fragile trust that’s grown up between them.

“Jadzia, I’m fine.” Kira grips Dax’s shoulders and looks straight at her, trying to convince her. “I don’t need to talk, I need to pray. If you’ll excuse me.“

“What are you praying for?” A pause, as Dax briefly regrets any insensitivity she might have caused and searches for a better form of words.

Kira knows she means it in good faith. Sisko and the other Starfleet officers, polite as they are, don’t quite understand what belief means to the Bajoran people. Jadzia, on the other hand, has dedicated her life to carrying on the symbiont’s existence and seems to understand why people choose to believe in something bigger than themselves.

Still, she casts her eyes away from Jadzia’s as she considers the question, but keeps her hands clasping the Trill’s shoulders, not wanting to break the connection between them. She braves looking back up into Jadzia’s eyes as she answers.

“I’m praying for forgiveness. And for guidance. And for bravery.”

“Kira, I _know_ you. And I know you don’t need forgiveness from Bareil or from the prophets for anything to do with him. And you’re the bravest person I know -” Dax cuts off again, afraid she’s put her foot in it. She hasn’t, of course.

“Thank you, Jadzia.” says Kira, sincerely. She rises up on her toes and places a soft kiss against the taller woman’s cheek, so close to her mouth that she brushes the corner of her lips. Dax is surprised, not quite sure what she did to deserve that. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get back.”

Jadzia covers Kira’s hand where it’s still on her shoulder. “May the prophets guide you.”

Kira knows she means it.

***

As a child Kira had been forced to tolerate a Vedek who was scornful of childish prayers. He felt conversations with the prophets should be reserved for the big questions, for spiritual clarity and freedom from Cardassian occupation.

Kira’s father and the others in their community prayed for those, of course, but they also prayed for small things. They prayed for rain for crops and patience with their children, and health for their neighbours when they were ill with all sorts of minor afflictions.

They called to the prophets all day, as they tilled the soil or dug wells deep into the dry ground. Not just in prayer but asking questions, sharing their frustrations. Her father always believed that faith was in the everyday. That if you saved all your conversations for the big questions it meant you weren’t appreciating that every seed, every raindrop is a gift from the prophets.

Kira leans much more towards this interpretation of prayer. Vedek Tolena would tell her not to ask the prophets for questions she already knew the answers to. Her father would tell her that she owed it to the prophets to ask them every question she had, and to question every response.

Kira thinks honestly that if the prophets didn’t want to hear her they would tune her out or shut her up so she might as well keep praying.

Kira prays for forgiveness, which the prophets do not grant. She’s done far worse things in her life than hurt a good man she wasn’t quite in love with. She’s killed too many people to ask for forgiveness for anything less than murder - and she asks for that forgiveness every day, not just in prayer but in every action she takes.

She prays for guidance, out of respect more than anything else, as she knows already what she must do. The prophets do not grace her with guidance either.

Finally, she prays for bravery, which the prophets do not grant because she is already brave to the core of her.

***

Another door chimes and this time it’s Kira’s turn to disturb Dax. She’s dressed for the festival and is half way through her makeup but she looks relieved to see Kira and welcomes her in.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Jadzia pulls Kira down next to her on the sofa, keeping a sympathetic hand over hers.

Kira is struck dumb, momentarily, by how beautiful she is. Jadzia’s blue eyes are almost piercing in this light, as though they can see right through her. Her dark spots trail down the deep cut of her purple dress, and as her eyes follow them down Kira feels her heart beat harder, heat rising in her chest, and she’s blushing again, just at the sight of Jadzia, and her closeness, and what she’s about to say to her.

Her momentary silence seems to strike a note of concern in Jadzia’s voice. “Nerys, did he do something? Because if he hurt you in any way I’ll kill him.”

“No, nothing like that. It’s just something he said made me think. Bareil asked why I had to spend all afternoon with you when I see you everyday and him so little. He’s right.”

Jadzia looks suddenly distressed. “Kira, if I ever - I would never disrespect your relationship in any way. If I did, I’m sorry. No matter what feelings I may have for you, I honestly didn’t mean for that to affect our friendship.”

Her half-admission of feelings makes Kira tongue-tied, yet again. She realises that she hasn’t said anything for too long of a moment and Jadzia is still giving her that distressed look.

“No, no, he was right.” She pauses, steels herself to finally say out loud what she realises she’s been avoiding saying for some time now. “I’d always rather be with you. I want _you_.”

Jadzia smiles, then, and it’s the most beautiful smile Kira’s ever seen.

She leans in, closing the gap between them, and Kira reaches forward to meet her, slides her hand up Jadzia’s neck, the pad of her thumb sweeping over the subtle raising of her dark spots.

Their lips meet, and it’s soft, joyous, until Kira pulls her even closer, deepening the kiss into something altogether more passionate and sure. She can see Jadzia’s eyes darken with desire as she responds in kind, gasps _Nerys_ against her lips.

Kira feels something inside her unfurl like a bud, a seed planted long ago beginning to break open. A fresh green root, a sapling bursting through the soil and reaching up to the sky, striving towards the clear light for the first time.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t want to subject anyone to my attempts at artistic verse so the Bajoran scroll quotes are extracts from:  
> 1\. Fall by Mary Oliver  
> 2\. Wild Geese by Mary Oliver  
> 3\. Glass Essay by Anne Carson
> 
> I started DS9 over lockdown and I’m only up to S6 so forgive any errors in Kira’s backstory which might get revealed later than that. I love her a lot!!!


End file.
